A bit of background

Well a bit about me... My name is Nicky and I am 35 years old. I live in Auckland, NZ and have a wonderful husband, Alex, a dog named Basil and a cat called Girl.

This is a blog about me and my struggle with weight. I cant recall how long I have been overweight. I have seen pictures of myself when I was about 11 or 12 and I looked good then. I was extremely active playing tennis and riding my bike and walking places. I have had issues with food from about that time though. I remember stealing cornflakes from the pantry and hiding in the garage and eating them. I remember stealing a peice of bread and eating it under the covers in bed. I remember stealing frozen homemade biscuits from the freezer.

I remember being on a diet with Mum when I was about 12 or 13. I cant remember if I had a problem with my size but I guess Mum did. Her and I ate differently from the rest of the family and we had to do "exercises". When we were watching a movie as a family and had a bowl of chips... I had to ask if I was allowed one and I remember feeling so stink. My brother and sister were never limited as I was. I think thats where I get my love of chips from now. I eat them whenever I can because I never know if I will be "allowed" them ever again (something I am working on now). I dont want to blame anyone else for my size though. No-one forced the food into my mouth and made me sit on the couch instead of getting out in the fresh air.

I remember I got my first car when I was about 18 and instead of walking and biking everywhere I would take the car. I was working and had other interests and slowly exercise started taking a back seat. The combination of hiding food (I stopped stealing it from the pantry because I was working and I could afford to buy it myself) and lack of exercise have contributed to my weight gain.

Over the years I have tried various diets but just kept on getting bigger and bigger. Now (as of 8 weeks ago) I am at an all time high of 210 kgs... well I think I'm 210 kgs.. the scales only go up to 200 so I have to kind of estimate. I want so much to be healthy and at a normal weight so I can live life and not be afraid. I am afraid of going out to eat because people will be staring at me and I dont even know if they have chairs I can fit in. I am scared of going anywhere in a plane in case I dont fit the seat. I am scared of just walking down the street in case I fall and I cant get up. Im scared of catching up with old friends because I just keep getting bigger. I just dont want to be scared of living any more. I want to do soooooo many things.